One of the benefits of being a Justice of the 24 Hours of LeMons Supreme Court is the very generous gifts given to the Court by racers who hope to keep it fair (a wise move, considering that the LeMons Supreme Court considers the Moscow Show Trials and Wild West Justice to be its legal role models). In the five years since I’ve become a LeMons Supreme Court Justice, the role of the BRIBED stencil— a spray-paint stencil that tells the world that this team has greased the wheels of justice— has evolved into a race-specific commemorative device that also tells the world I was at this race. You can read about the first few years of the BRIBED stencil tradition here, and I covered most of the 2012 season’s BRIBED stencils here; today, we’ll look at the complete set of stencils used during the 2013 LeMons season. Collect them all!
Since the 2011 season, the LSC has done its best to create at least one unique BRIBED stencil for each race, and we’ve done a pretty good job of it. Usually, I make the stencil at home, before flying off to some distant race, but sometimes there just isn’t time for that and I’m forced to make a Field Expedient Stencil using a 12-pack box and a dull box-cutter knife. Such was the case at the season-opening Southern Discomfort 2013 race, which was one of the all-time great LeMons events. Slicing away at a Bud Light box on an uneven picnic table, I created this rod-shooting-out-of-an-engine-block image… which most racers took to be some sort of phallic symbol.
The following race was the 2-fer-1 Sears Pointless and Sears Even More Pointless combo, held at the Track Formerly Known As Infineon Raceway in March. For this race, I made a BRIBED stencil commemorating the Bear Flag Revolt, with a dead California bear on the state flag.
In fact, we might as well hear some Ramones right now!
For the 2013 The Cure For Gingervitis race in Michigan, I took stencil inspiration from the Ted Nugent Penalty inflicted on miscreant drivers at earlier Gingerman races and created this “Yank Me Bribe Me” stencil with a crankshaft design. This stencil was a big hit with the racers, sending many of them scrambling for last-second bribes so that they could receive this coveted image on their race cars.
Yes, taking our inspiration from Michigan’s cultural ambassador to the world! Maybe next year I’ll do an Iggy Pop or MC5 stencil.
While preparing for the North Dallas Hooptie race in May, I tried to think of a Texas icon that could rival the Lone Star Beer stencil I’d done in 2012. ZZ Top? LBJ? Finally, I decided on the logo of that little old epoxy company from Sulphur Springs. J-B Bribed!
The folks on the OK-Speed “Honda Tape-R” team created this very nice stencil with my likeness, out of sheet steel. Usually I don’t save BRIBED stencils, but this one now lives in my garage.
Another field expedient stencil was the one used at the 2013 Loudon Annoying race. I’ve done the show-the-location-of-the-track stencil design for races in Texas and Michigan, too.
When it came time for the BFE G.P., which took place at my home track, I decided to take advantage of the no-flying-needed situation and make an extra-fragile stencil that could never withstand an airline trip in a checked bag. This stencil, which takes as its model the Colorado license plate, was the most time-consuming I’d ever made up to that point; note the double border around the perimeter.
With the uproar over the NSA’s PRISM Program at fever pitch for the weekend of the Capital Offense race in Washington DC (actually, in West Virginia, but close enough), I made this stencil using the PRISM logo. Nobody recognized it, but it will be a good conversation starter for the teams with this sprayed on their cars.
In June, I headed to Pikes Peak in order to cover the hill climb. It was chilly up there at 14,000 feet, even got snowed on a bit. Meanwhile, at the Button Turrible 24 Hours of LeMons, the thermometer was showing about 115 degrees Fahrenheit. Some helpful racers made this stencil to commemorate the hottest LeMons race in history.
Here’s Judge Shawn showing off the stencil (which is way more phallic than the thrown-rod stencil I made for the Southern Discomfort race earlier in the year), while I enjoy temperatures about 70 degrees cooler in Colorado.
The Pacific Northworst race had much more pleasant weather, and I celebrated by making this stencil with the face of Seattle’s most famous son.
I took the weekend off for the Real Hoopties of New Jersey Race, and so Judge Tom Newman and Judge Matt Yip created this tasteful Jersey-fied stencil for the race.
Thunderhill Raceway in California features lengthy and frequent PA announcements by track manager David Vodden, and so our summer race there became known as the Vodden the Hell Are We Doing? To celebrate the loudspeakers at the 2012 VTHAWD? race, I made a stencil showing a loudspeaker on a pole; for 2013, I made a totally different stencil… which I left in the hotel room on the day of the car inspections. LeMons Assistant Perp Nick Pon suggested a field-expedient stencil showing the old Apple Computer icon for computer volume, to suggest loudness. Done in 90 seconds!
However, the story of the 2013 Vodden the Hell Are We Doing? BRIBED stencil doesn’t end there. The next day, I brought the stencil I’d made in the first place— sort of a devil-centric job with heavy-metal font— and used it on a handful of cars that showed up for their inspections on Saturday morning. That makes this the rarest BRIBED stencil of all time! When LeMons cars start showing up at Barrett-Jackson, this stencil will add several million to a car’s value.
When we returned to Carolina Motorsports Park for the 2013 LeMons South Fall race, we were celebrating the 100th 24 Hours of LeMons race. As part of the festive spirit, I made this “100 RACES” stencil.
The 2013 Gator-O-Rama was the only straight-24-hours race we did this year, and I wanted to make an extra-special BRIBED stencil. Judge Sajeev proved to be such a powerful influence, with his right-hand-drive Ford Sierra and all, that we decided that the LeMons Supreme Court would honor Shiva, Vishnu, and Ganesha. This Ganesha stencil was by far the toughest-to-cut-out stencil in the history of LeMons racing, but it looked very good with gold paint.
Upon our return to New Hampshire for the 2013 Halloween Hooptiefest, the Boston Red Sox were playing in the World Series. As most LeMons racers know, the LeMons Supreme Court has an official anti-Red Sox policy, issuing one penalty lap for every Red Sox cap seen on a team member, and so I made this Babe Ruth stencil to remind New England racers of the Curse that once made the Red Sox special.
Judge Rich, who actually grew up in New Hampshire, opted to make a second Red Sox-themed BRIBED stencil, this one commemorating Bill Buckner’s famous error in the 1986 World Series.
At the 2012 Chubba Cheddar Enduro in Wisconsin, I made a cheese stencil as an homage to one of Wisconsin’s best-known products. For the 2013 race, I made a beer stencil (using the logo of the only-available-in-Wisconson New Glarus Spotted Cow Ale) to continue the Great Wisconsin Products BRIBED Stencil tradition.
Next year, sausage!