Working for the 24 Hours of LeMons isn’t just about working hosedown on the Tilt-a-Whirl at Mayor’s Income, Tennessee, and breathing clutch dust and oil smoke all weekend. No, we also get to do a lot of flying while packing all manner of weird race-related items in our luggage, which means we get plenty of attention from the TSA. Welding mask and angel wings in your carry-on? Hear the klaxons!
When Jay wore a BAKSHEESH! shirt to the New Orleans airport after a race… well, let’s just say that Arabic words printed on your clothing, a swarthy appearance, and a smart mouth don’t make for a happy experience at the TSA checkpoint. But that got me thinking: the LeMons Supreme Court needs a TSA penalty!
TSA meaning Totally Sketchy Administration, of course! The Totally Sketchy Administration’s job is to ensure that all travelers are scared to death of flying, which means they’ll be making sure that every passenger is packing at least 10 banned items. Naturally, the LeMons TSA screeners wear balaclavas and these confidence-enhancing belts.
Here’s how the penalty works: Two members of the miscreant driver’s team are designated as Totally Sketchy Administration screeners and given the accessories that establish their authority. The rest of the team— representing the “flyers”— must produce obviously phony ID and boarding passes for the initial phase of the screening process; if these documents are insufficiently sketchy, they must make new ones. Here we see a “driver’s license” made from toilet paper. Pass!
This boarding pass looks good, too! OK, now we’re ready to check these characters’ carry-ons. Remember, if they don’t have 10 banned items each, they’ll get their junk groped with the Totally Sketchy Administration’s Robot Hand-O-Cavity-Searching!
These guys did pretty well, with their carry-on bags holding a gas can, axe, straight razor, starting fluid, bottled water, motor oil, and other items that would make the other TSA all upset.
What’s this? Nail clippers? Get this man on the next flight to Beirut!
OK, I’ll admit that everyone was totally bewildered by this penalty, much as they were bewildered by my Cultural Revolution penalty. They’d have been even more confused, had I had the time to make T-shirts bearing the Totally Sketchy Administration logo, designed by this guy. But hey, that’s how the LeMons Supreme Court operates— do the crime, dance to our tune!