LeMons Chief Perp Jay Lamm has signed a pledge never to write about cars again; he’s got it framed and hanging up in his office. He also tends to be extremely harsh on LeMons drivers who happen to be his friends. That means that he’s extra cruel to former auto-journo colleagues Csaba Csere, Tony Swan, Tony Quiroga, and Rich Ceppos.
Tony Swan: “So, you’re a race promoter now?”
Jay Lamm: “That’s right, sucka! So how was the free shrimp cocktail at the Cobalt Brougham Landau launch in East Peoria?”
Team Goodbye Kitty Racing showed up with the same semi-terrible ’88 Prelude they took to the Detroit Irony race in the spring. The drivers are pretty good, thanks to all that free track time they’ve enjoyed courtesy of the automobile industry… but not good enough to stay completely clean in a LeMons race!
Ceppos was the first to screw up. LeMons Chief Justice Lamm decreed that he would have to write a 500-word review of the 1988 Honda Prelude. In Sharpie, on the body of the car. Since each of the four veteran writers had reviewed the ’88 Prelude back in the day, we figured this should be an easy one.
Well, no. Turns out that computer keyboards— or maybe, for these guys, IBM Selectrics— make writers soft! Jay hovered over Ceppos and did the Angry Editor routine all the while, pounding on the roof with his fist and screaming: “We’re GOING TO PRESS IN FIVE MINUTES! Come on! Write faster!”
Sadly, Csere managed to avoid penalties during his stints. That’s too bad, because we were pretty sure we’d be able to find his original ’88 Prelude review online and compare the two.
Then we caught Quiroga, whose beautiful Lancia had us all drooling (the other members of the team showed up in freebie press cars, of course). This time, we ordered him to write a blog response to Ceppos’ review.
Jay was skeptical, but eventually allowed the Prelude to head back onto the track.
The members of Goodbye Kitty Racing became obsessed with cracking the Top 10, or at least beating the Mike Austin-captained former IOE-winning VW Quantum Syncro. They might have reached both goals, too, if a red-misted Swan hadn’t blasted through the paddock at about triple the speed limit… on a flat tire. As it was, the Prelude came in 12th and the Quantum 13th.

10 Responses to “Elder Statesmen of Automotive Journalism Feel Lash of LeMons Justice”

  1. Spank

    So I wanna read the entire review and the blog response!

  2. Speedycop

    Yeah, I wanna read it too. I’m a fan of Swan and Csere going back many, many years, so it would have been cool to meet them. Quiroga should be jumping at the chance to race my Lancia Scorpion this weekend for a measly $500! I’m guessing no one told him. Phil, can you rectify that?

  3. dickc

    As I am standing in the pits near the penalty box I see a red car with a flat tire come into the pits speed unnoticed by the judges. A guy next to me yells “they are speeding, look look. They are speeding. The evil eyes of the men in black all look to the car with a flat moving a a quick pace. I look to this rat standing next to me. He sheepish smiled and said “I work with that guy”

    So team Hello Kitty, you can hunt for your rat.

  4. admin

    Oh, we know who the rat was. Not that it matters, because Tony was speeding on the way back to the track as well, and he blew right past me as I yelled at him. Good thing I have a magical device called a “radio” that will make the gentlemen with the black flags do their thing.

  5. dickc

    A radio, I figured you poked a stick in the eye of Sauron using morris code and your minions jumped to your will.

  6. Judge Jonny

    A review? You guys are getting weak since I left.

    Next time make him write a comparo between the ’88 Prelude, Grand Am and Scirocco.

  7. ray schneider

    so Jonny, vat is theese Morris code you speak of…?

  8. ray schneider

    oops, I meant to reply to dickc, misplaced my reading glasses

  9. Tony Q

    @ Speedycop–This is the first I’ve heard of the Scorpion offer! Good luck.

  10. Armand

    Holy shit, Tony Quiroga drives a Fulvia coupe? I have new respect for C/D. Of course, were he working for Road & Track he’d have to squeeze that thing for column after column, like Peter Egan always does with his awesome project cars.

    If Csere had come into the penalty box under my watch, I would have asked him if he could get John Phillips’s autograph for me.

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